Adventure Story - Episode 9 | Here Be Dragon Clichés
Dragon Riding and Accidental Family Lineage Discoveries
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Character List:
AMOTH PEACEDREAM: Classic good guy and aspiring dragon rider.
QUIRIN PEACEDREAM: Father of classic good guy and aspiring dragon rider.
AUDIENCE: That’s you.
NARRATOR: His accent is just foreign enough to let you know this story takes place in a fantasy world, but still native enough to be relatable.
DRAGON: Basically just a giant lizard.
EPISODE 9
FADE IN
EXT. VANISHER’S PASS, JUST EAST OF MOUNT MALDIAC
QUIRIN PEACEDREAM
Son, a great war is coming. Soon you will be a man, and you will have to decide what side you’re on. Try not to let your last name sway you.
AMOTH PEACEDREAM
I will fight on the good side, father.
QUIRIN
That was the right answer, son. You see that dragon over there?
AMOTH
The one with the bright orange scales vomiting fire everywhere? Yes, I see him.
QUIRIN
You must go jump on his back.
AMOTH
Absolutely freaking not.
QUIRIN
If you are to be a Dragon Warrior, you must bond your soul to his in the Ancient Tradition. Only then will The Audience be convinced that this story is like Every Other Fantasy Adventure.
AMOTH
I don’t know what that last part means, but I will do as you say because I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be a hero.
AMOTH sneakily makes his way across the jagged, snow-covered landscape, flanking the dragon until he is within striking distance. Then, in an absurd gesture of overconfidence that would never happen in real life, he leaps into the air and lands on the dragon right in between his leathery wings.
THE AUDIENCE
Oh good, this is like Every Other Fantasy Adventure. For a second there we were worried we would be exposed to something outside our comfort zone.
AMOTH
This is a completely insane thing to do and there is nothing to hold on to, but somehow I’m still going to ride this thing into the sky.
DRAGON
I could turn my neck a few degrees and flambé this kid to a crisp, but it’s better for The Audience if I take off into the air and perform a series of cinematic loops and barrel rolls instead.
SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM
90% of the budget is going to this scene, let’s make it count.
DJI PHANTOM 4 PRO DRONE
Woo-hoo! I’m a dragon!
SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM
Yes, you were very expensive too.
AMOTH and DRAGON take off on aerial tour that spans the entire mountain range and goes on far too long. AMOTH manages to almost fall off and die just enough times to keep the audience awake.
THE AUDIENCE
It’s like a rollercoaster but only for our eyes. Which is to say, our stomachs are confused.
DRAGON
Now that you’ve beaten me at Sky Rodeo, I guess our souls will be forever bonded in the Ancient Way. This always happens to me.
QUIRIN
Well done my boy! You’re just like Eragon now!
NARRATOR
Easy there, Paolini, we don’t name the characters we rip off.
QUIRIN
Ben from Dragon Rider?
NARRATOR
More obscure, but still no.
QUIRIN
Daemon Targaryen?
NARRATOR
Definitely not.
QUIRIN
Hiccup and Toothless?
NARRATOR
Get out.
THE AUDIENCE
We don’t care if it’s a dragon, a hippogriff, or anything in between - we love the Sky Rodeo!
QUIRIN
You are now a Dragon Rider, son. One day you might even be a good one.
AMOTH dismounts and places his hand gently over DRAGON’S muzzle, in a gesture of deep Respect and Reverence.
QUIRIN
You don’t need to do that, son. Seriously, get your hand away from there. He’s looking at you the way a horse looks at a sugar cube.
DRAGON
I respect my new master, and at the same time I have the inexplicable urge to snap his arm off at the shoulder and swallow it whole. I imagine this is how humans must feel when they look at a bowl of shiny river-stones.
QUIRIN and AMOTH leave the newly humiliated dragon to do Whatever Dragons Do and make their way back toward home, through a golden-hour landscape of powdery snow that would be just lovely if it weren’t so cold you couldn’t feel your face.
QUIRIN
Son, there’s something I need to tell you.
AMOTH
You’re not my real father and I’m actually Gravedeath’s bastard son, raised secretly in the mountains where the Empire’s mercenaries can’t assassinate me?
QUIRIN
Surprisingly all of that is true - but it’s actually not the thing I was going to tell you. I was going to say we are having wild boar for dinner tonight.
AMOTH
Well this is awkward. The Gravedeath thing was a completely random guess.
QUIRIN
Awkward indeed.
AMOTH
Well, I for one cannot wait for some hearty wild boar stew.
QUIRIN
Mh-hm. Wild board stew. Doesn’t get better than that.
SNOW CRICKET
Cri-cri
FADE OUT
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Love stories like this. Sadly, I get the feeling we're two of a dying breed, amipadre. Is there really a market for blitherers like us?
Eragon reference - nice.