Adventure Story - Episode 15 | Hero versus Villain
Gravedeath and Bigheart face off in an epic battle atop the highest point in the realm
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Character List:
GRAVEDEATH: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.
KING’S ADVISOR: This one is pretty self-explanatory.
OLD MAN: A cunning beggar-turned-knight masquerading as the Guardian of the Object of Great Power
Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is discovering that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.
Lilly: She’s here for her sarcastic remarks and clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated
Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.
Lothki: A pathological liar cursed by a witch to watch berries drop from the sky every time he withholds the truth.
Miracle Max: A last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD: A bloodthirsty blade that Bigheart pulled out of a puddle in a very easy version of the sword in the stone.
Episode 15
FADE IN
EXT. SOMEWHERE NEAR THE PEAK OF MOUNT MALDIAC. THE PARTY HAS CLIMBED ABOVE THE CLOUDS AND THE SUN SHINES BRIGHT.
LILLY
You know Bigheart, I have to say I’m impressed. I didn’t know you could fight like that.
MIRACLE MAX
Pulling a sword out of a puddle of water and obliterating five banshees in the span of thirty seconds is definitely one of the best last-minute rescues I’ve ever seen.
MICHAEL AND NICHAEL
Without you we would have been beheaded at exactly the same time, like all twins who die in battle.
BLIZZARD
Well done, young Bigheart. It seems your training is complete. I have nothing more to teach you.
BIGHEART
But you never trained me on swordsmanship…
BLIZZARD
Swordsmanship? Nonsense! Wizards don’t rely on such mundane skills. Under my guidance you have become so learned in the art of The Seption that you actually tricked yourself into thinking you could fight and kill five banshees. And it worked!
LILLY
It’s deception, Blizzard, for the millionth time.
BLIZZARD
That’s what I said.
BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD
Aren’t you going to tell them it was all me?
BIGHEART
Am I going to tell them that my sword talks to me inside my head and tells me what moves to do? I don’t think that’s going to go very well.
BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD
Your sword has an actual name, you know.
BIGHEART
Do we have to do this right now?
BIGHEART’S TALKING SWORD
Ruthless the Unbreakable, Shatterer of Spines, The Silent Reckoning, Maker and Breaker of Kings, Devourer of Life and Bane of Monsters, The Last Sentient Blade Forged from Ancient Dwarven Steel in the Furnaces of the Ancient Titans and Molded in the Image of the One True God Blade.
BIGHEART
That’s a mouthful. Let’s just go with Ruthless.
LOTHKI
We’ve made it to the top of the mountain, but I don’t see any Object of Great Power.
LILLY
There’s nothing up here but rock and ice.
BIGHEART
Maybe Gravedeath beat us to it.
MIRACLE MAX
I think it was a tie. Look over there.
Gravedeath emerges from the mist, clambering up the opposite side of the peak, followed by several dozen imperial soldiers. One of them appears to be about ninety years old.
GRAVEDEATH
Well well well, if it isn’t Bigheart, the boy of prophecy, come to test his fate at last.
BIGHEART
You’re too late, Gravedeath, the Object of Great Power isn’t here.
GRAVEDEATH
You forget your adversary, Bigheart. This old man you see next to me is the Guardian of the Object of Great Power, and I have won his favor by making him a knight in my Imperial Army.
OLD KNIGHT
That’s right, I am the Guardian of the Object of Great Power and most certainly not a beggar who lost his way coming down the mountain.
GRAVEDEATH
Oh noble Guardian, soon you will assume your True Form and show me the way to the Object of Great Power. But first, I will kill the boy and put an end to this pesky prophecy.
RUTHLESS
Another battle! What luck! Blood and gore and splintered bones, I can’t wait to begin!
BIGHEART
That makes one of us.
BLIZZARD
Stand back, Gravedeath! Bigheart is under my protection, and I am a Very Powerful Wizard. Test me and I will turn you into a bag of lemons, then vaporize them and drink the condensation myself, letting my stomach acid rip you to shreds before passing my water onto the snow where it will stay for eternity as a long, thin, pale yellow icicle with your remains trapped inside.
GRAVEDEATH
That was too elaborate, wizard. You’re bluffing.
BLIZZARD
He’s immune to The Seption. We’re doomed.
GRAVEDEATH
I have an entire army at my disposal but I think I’ll fight Bigheart one-on-one. I’m sure he won’t make a Surprising and Unexpected Escape.
BIGHEART
There’s a good chance this ends badly for me, but Lilly is watching and my sword seems to know what it’s doing.
BLIZZARD
Bigheart, no! He’s too strong.
LILLY
Don’t do this, Bigheart. I sort of might like you a little bit, sometimes.
BIGHEART
Guys, I’m no hero, but also I’m starting to think I might be a little bit of a hero. I’ll hold him off; the rest of you, run! Find the Object of Great Power before Gravedeath does and save the realm!
AUDIENCE
Thanks for spelling this out, some of us had forgotten the entire plot.
LOTHKI
We’ll never leave your side! Come on, everyone, let’s get out of here.
GRAVEDEATH
Now it’s just the two of us, so let us begin. I’m powerful enough to shoot lightning from my fingertips but not accurate enough to actually hit him. Heroes and their uncanny ability to dodge lethal attacks…
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
Use me to block his attacks and send the lightning ricocheting back at him. We have to get close enough to strike him.
BIGHEART
You want me to use a piece of metal to block lightning? Are you insane?
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
It’s fine, the audience won’t even notice that it’s unrealistic. Just do it.
AUDIENCE
We’ve watched enough Star Wars to know that you can block anything with a sword if you move it fast enough and you’re the main character.
GRAVEDEATH
He’s blocking my lightning attacks with his sword. I’ll use my magic to conjure up a swarm of ravens to peck out his eyes instead.
BIGHEART
Argh, birds! What do we do?
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
We have to disrupt his concentration!
GRAVEDEATH
He’s throwing rocks and now I can’t control my birds properly. I’ll finish this sword-against-sword to prove I’m the better man. And by better, I mean more evil.
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
Finally a good old fashioned sword fight. I’ve missed the clang of metal on metal.
GRAVEDEATH
You’re good, Bigheart. Better than I expected. It will almost be a shame to kill you.
BIGHEART
I train every day in case I meet a shade.
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
You dirty liar! I like your style.
GRAVEDEATH
It’s been a better battle than most, but I’m getting hungry and I want to get a move on so I think I’ll casually disarm him using a move that looks good on screen but would definitely never work in an actual sword fight.
RUTHLESS THE TALKING SWORD
Bigheart, we’ve been separated!
BIGHEART
Ruthless, come back!
GRAVEDEATH
Now I’ve got you.
BIGHEART
He’s got me, but I can still crawl away backwards until I get to the edge of the mountain. Then I’ll be defenseless and trapped.
GRAVEDEATH
I could kill him now, but I should wait in case something Wildly Unexpected happens. in the meantime, I’ll give him my Villain Speech that I’ve been rehearsing all morning.
BIGHEART
Oh great, here comes the speech.
GRAVEDEATH
You think you can change the world, but you’re just a lowly farm boy. No one can stop me from Oppressing the Realm for No Particular Reason. This is the end for you, Bigheart.
BIGHEART
Before he died my dad told me it’s nice to be important, but it’s more important to be nice. He was twice the man you are, Gravedeath.
GRAVEDEATH
He was as fat as two people?
BIGHEART
No, I didn’t mean it literally. I meant he was a good man, better than you’ll ever be.
GRAVEDEATH
Well I should hope so, otherwise I’d be a pretty un-evil villain. Prepare for death, Bigheart.
Not so fast, dad.
GRAVEDEATH
Son? Where did you come from? Why are you riding a dragon?
AMOTH
Come on, Bigheart, hop on! And hold on tight, these winged reptiles are turbulent.
GRAVEDEATH
You bastards! Well, technically only one of you. Get back here with my nemesis!
KING’S ADVISOR
With all due respect, Your Excellence, wouldn’t it be better to refrain from playing with your food, as it were?
GRAVEDEATH
I didn’t know my bastard son was a dragon rider hiding out in the mountains. Stupid kids, always causing trouble.
KING’S ADVISOR
What do we do now?
GRAVEDEATH
Bigheart can run away on a dragon but he can’t hide forever. The race is still on, but we hold the upper hand because we have the favor of the Guardian of the Object of Great Power. Guardian, assume your true form and lead us!
OLD KNIGHT
Uh-oh.
FADE OUT
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