Adventure Story - Episode 13 | The Sword and the Stoned
The party discovers that banshees are not very nice, and Bigheart gets to play hero for a day.
New to the adventure? Start at the beginning by clicking here. If it’s not your first time, you can skip the character list and get right into the action.
Character List:
Bigheart: Young and handsome, he is discovering that his compulsion for Doing The Right Thing is in direct contradiction to his core belief I Am Not A Hero. Spoiler alert: he’s the hero.
Gravedeath: He used to be a nice guy until power predictably corrupted him and turned him into a murderous psychopath. He will stop at nothing to obtain the Very Powerful Object which will make him — you guessed it — unstoppable.
Lilly: She’s here for her sarcastic remarks and clever quips — and to make Bigheart sexually frustrated
Blizzard the Wizard: He’s only as powerful as you believe him to be. So not very powerful.
Lothki: A devious trickster with a delicious tell, whose kyptonite is magic mushrooms.
Miracle Max: A last-minute savior with a punctuality problem. That’s going to be an issue in her line of work.
Banshees: Evil monsters out to kill anything that moves.
Sword: Sword.
Narrator: His accent is just foreign enough to let you know this story takes place in a fantasy world, but still native enough to be relatable.
Audience: That’s you.
Episode 13
FADE IN
EXT. EARLY MORNING, ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE DEEP, DARK WOODS, ON THE WAY TO MOUNT MALDIAC.
BLIZZARD
Bigheart, are the big brain berries you took working?
BIGHEART
I don’t know if working is the word I’d use, but I definitely had weird dreams.
BLIZZARD
Did you glean any wisdom from them?
BIGHEART
Something about Michael and Nichael wearing a scarf big enough for two people. I don’t know.
BLIZZARD
Ah yes, Highly Symbolic, young Bigheart. You may not know this about me but in addition to being a Powerful Wizard I am also Learned in the arts of Augury, Divination, and Dream Reading. Do you wish to know the meaning of your dream?
BIGHEART
I’m pretty sure the meaning is that you force-fed me mushrooms yesterday. Also, what on earth is Augury?
BLIZZARD
Superstitious birdwatching.
BIGHEART
Sorry I asked. So tell me the meaning of my dream.
BLIZZARD
No simple feat, reaching into the subconscious of another being and extracting their innermost thoughts, fears, and desires! Luckily for you, I have been practicing for decades. Your dream is simple - you fear that a giant snake will come devour your friends.
BIGHEART
That’s it?
BLIZZARD
That’s it.
LILLY
Good morning. What are you two whispering about?
BLIZZARD
High-level wizard talk. You don’t have magical powers, you wouldn’t understand .
LILLY
Bigheart doesn’t have magical powers either! Come on, Blizzard, don’t be a jerk.
BLIZZARD
Bigheart told me he dreamed about Michael and Nichael in a giant scarf.
BIGHEART
And Blizzard said it means I’m afraid a snake is going to eat my friends.
LILLY
Sorry I asked. So what’s our plan? Arrive at Mount Maldiac with absolutely no idea how to locate the Object of Great Power and just…improvise?
BLIZZARD
Exactly correct. But not so loud, the others will hear you.
Bigheart and company chart a perilous course across the snowy mountain ridges toward the base of the great Mount Maldiac. As the party climbs in altitude the snow becomes deep and the rocks turn icy. The journey is largely uneventful, but as the sun begins to pass out of sight behind the peaks, a bitter wind picks up.
MAX
Do you guys feel that? Unnatural drops in temperature are never a good sign.
LILLY
Something doesn’t feel right.
BLIZZARD
I’ll act nervous so the audience knows
LOTHKI
You guys aren’t afraid of banshees, right?
LILLY
You mean those evil, undead monsters that can sense your presence five miles away, move through solid objects, and scare you half to death with a single wail? Who would be afraid of those?
LOTHKI
That’s what I was hoping you would say.
BLIZZARD
I once challenged a banshee that was terrorizing a small farm village to a shouting match. Then I used magic to enlarge my vocal cords and project my voice so loudly that I shattered her undead ears and exploded her brain.
BIGHEART
Blizzard, that’s disgusting. Also, Lothki, why would you ask something like that?
LOTHKI
No reason.
LILLY
Lothki, banshees don’t actually exist, right? Those are just to scare little kids?
LOTHKI
I really wish I could lie to you right now, but Blizzard has been micro-dosing me all day.
A piercing shriek rings out across the frozen landscape.
MICHAEL/NICHAEL
Ow, our tinnitus.
BLIZZARD
Everyone, behind me! They won’t harm you if they see you are under a Wizard’s Protection.
LILLY
Are we under your protection?
BLIZZARD
Technically, yes.
BIGHEART
The way you say that doesn’t make me feel very protected.
MAX
You guys try your luck against the undead screamers. I’ll be over here sitting on this rock in case someone needs a last-minute rescue.
LILLY
Wouldn’t it be more useful if you actually joined from the start? You’re not exactly helping our odds by watching.
MAX
But then who would save you at the last minute?
LILLY
We wouldn’t need saving if you would just - oh, forget it, I don’t know why I even try.
BIGHEART
A pool of water on the other side of this rock, how interesting. It looks deep.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Bigheart! Down here! Fulfill your destiny!
BIGHEART
Who said that? Fulfill my destiny? That sounds like a hero thing, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I’m not -
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Dammit Bigheart, shut up and get down here! I don’t care if you think you’re a hero or not.
BIGHEART
Who are you? My mother always told me to never jump into a pool of water with a stranger’s voice in it.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Long story, no time to explain. Do you want to survive those banshees or not?
BIGHEART
I’m not jumping in there.
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Oh yes you are.
BIGHEART
You can’t make me!
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Typical hard-headed, pride-filled hero! Always the same!
BIGHEART
Classic lying, disembodied voice! And don’t call me a hero!
LILLY
Bigheart, why are you yelling at that puddle?
BIGHEART
Hi Lilly. That’s embarrassing. I didn’t know that was all happening out loud.
Several shrieks just like the first fill the air again, this time closer. Fear, like a sentient thing, invades each member of the party. From the cover of the swirling snow, a hideous woman appears. Half her face is missing, and she holds a bloodstained battle axe which grates on the frozen ground as it trails behind her. She lifts her face to the sky and screams again, and this time everyone else screams too, out of terror, running for cover behind the rocks.
BIGHEART
Ok, I’m coming in.
Bigheart, throwing away absolutely all logic and reason, dives head first into the pool of ice water. His corneas immediately freeze over, rendering him temporarily blind, something he didn’t even know was possible and certainly will never forget as long as he lives.
DISMBODIED VOICE
I forgot to mention that part.
BIGHEART
Argh, my eyes! What do I do now?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Swim to the bottom and grab me!
BIGHEART
Excuse me?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
Just do it!
BIGHEART
I feel something down here…a handle…I think it’s a sword. There’s nothing else down here, where are you?
DISEMBODIED VOICE
I’m the sword, dammit! Pick me up and get back up to the surface before the Audience starts complaining that you could never hold your breath that long in real life
THE AUDIENCE
He could never hold his breath that long in real life….
Bigheart breaks the surface of the water, miraculously avoiding hypothermic shock due to the fact that he is the Hero of This Story, and his vision slowly returns. All around him is chaos. Five hideous banshees are engaged in battle with the members of the party, and it’s not looking good. Lilly is pinned against a wall of ice, her weapon lying useless on the ground. Blizzard is spinning in circles and roaring incantations that are ineffective and probably completely made up. Michael and Nichael are huddled against a rock with their hands over their ears while a banshee towers over them, poised to go for the kill.
Max, seeing her friends in need of last minute rescue, jumps up from her perch and slips on a patch of ice, sprawling onto the ground and tumbling down the slope of the mountain, landing right at Bigheart’s feet.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Talk about fighting a losing battle. Bigheart, let’s get out of here.
BIGHEART
I’m not abandoning my friends. Plus, what about all that “fulfill your destiny” stuff you said earlier?
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Oh please, I say that to everyone. Do you know how long I’ve been wasting away at the bottom of that pool of water? Centuries, Bigheart, centuries!
BIGHEART
You used me….
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
I did. Now, if you’re going to be stubborn and stay and fight, then it’s time for you to use me too.
BIGHEART
The only thing I know how to fight is garden pests. I’m just a lowly farm boy. I’m not a hero.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Lucky for you I was forged by titans in an active volcano and imbued with ancient magic. I’m fireproof, shatter-proof, monster-proof, and fool-proof. You could be the worst swordsman in the land and all your blows would still be on target. Now let’s go murder some banshees.
Bigheart steps forward toward the banshee standing over the twins, takes one swing, and splits it at the waist like a stalk of celery. The second one turns away from Lilly and rushes him with inhuman speed; he sidesteps, brings his blade around in a graceful arc, and filets it down the middle. Both halves bounce in unison when they hit the frozen ground, which is totally gross and provides the Audience with shock value they didn’t know they needed.
THE AUDIENCE
We will spend the rest of the evening trying to un-see that.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Now we’re talking! Roll the next one’s head before it can freeze you with its breath!
BIGHEART
Take that, scary ice-monster! That was my first time beheading anything that wasn’t a chicken. Are all swords this bloodthirsty?
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
It sort of comes with the territory of ripping through people’s vital organs. By the way, if you stab a banshee through the chest she will disintegrate completely. Give it a try.
BIGHEART
Woah, that was incredible. I feel invincible right now.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Four down, one to go.
BIGHEART
Do you think Lilly is watching me?
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Everyone is watching you, Bigheart.
BIGHEART
This must be what it feels like to be a hero. What a cool experience. I’m glad I get to live this, if only for a few minutes.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Are all humans this slow on the uptake?
Bigheart squares off against the last banshee, gets a running start, and performs a slide on one knee, dodging its outstretched claws. He pops back up to his feet in its blind spot, crouches down, and levels his sword at it - but there is no more fighting to be done because the banshee is already bleeding from several cuts all over its body. It tries to lunge at him, loses its balance, and crumples lifeless to the ground.
BIGHEART
Did you do that?
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
I may have gotten a little over-excited.
BIGHEART
Can I tell Lilly it was all me?
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Tell them whatever you want, I’m just happy to breathe fresh mountain air and feel warm blood on me again.
BIGHEART
Gross.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
We did it, partner.
BIGHEART
We did it. And I was a hero, if only for a day.
BIGHEART’S NEWLY ACQUIRED TALKING SWORD
Why do I always get matched with the stupid ones?
FADE OUT
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Author’s note:
I realized halfway through writing this episode that it is heavily informed by a wonderful book by Walter Moers called Rumo and his Miraculous Adventures. Growing up I must have read it all the way through five times. It’s an incredibly fun, absurd, and bloodthirsty tale, and it features a talking twin-blade imbued with the consciousnesses of Yukobak and Ribble, two polar opposites who function as the angel and devil on the protagonists’s shoulder. Maybe one day someone will show this to Mr. Moers and he will know how much his writing inspired me.
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